I think you use what works best for your problem set taking into account your expertise. I'm using (no demo available yet) nodejs, express, socket.io, and yQuery together. There's a jQuery wrapper out there for use with node, I think. jQuery makes my life easier on the display side, but I can see how if I had real-deal-holyfield javascript chops I'd gravitate to DIY or some slimmer framework.
It's more that demos by JavaScript programmers tend not to use jQuery — I think it's a pride thing: “I'm not going to load this huge JavaScript library to support this ten-line demo, and I'll look classier for it.”
jQuery doesn't much care what web server you’re using, and it (or similar) is bound to turn up in any project of significant size or browser compatibility.